In 2020, I decided to write again on a regular basis for the first time in 10-15 years. Why? Maybe as an outlet for my struggles with depression, anxiety & faith? Maybe it was trying to cope with my past and the death of my dad & the declining health of my mom? Most likely, it was all of the above. Ultimately, I wanted to show growth in all areas of my life with the arrival of my 50th birthday in 2022. I wanted to commit to being a better friend, father, son, and husband. most importantly, I wanted to refine and fully embrace my relationship with my lord, Jesus Christ. Within this growth is grace. I am astounded every day with the grace of my god, my friends & family. If you look closely, you can see grace in the great majority of people we meet every day. I strive to be more grateful & recognize the work I need to do. I believe that with improved grace, we become closer to our god, which in turn improves all areas of our lives. In publishing this book. I wanted to document via poetry, the journey I am on & help others with the same struggles. Here are a few poems from my book. Where were you? When I tried to hide in the shameful corner When I pushed your love far away You were here, there, everywhere & I thought nowhere But you were patiently waiting Waiting When lust dominated reality When darkness so thick consumed my tepid sanity You were there waiting patiently Patiently For my lost soul to come back to you You came here as a man Down from your throne at your father's side Only to be crucified to one of the trees numbering three So, we could be released and be free Resurrected as a child of god. Here I am Sitting in a nearly broken chair Looking out a dusty window My daddy gone Dancing with the angels Singing a sacred song Blessings number 82 in-between Life in quarantine Sitting in a creaky old chair Looking out a dusty, half opened window Just after a new man lashed out with arms and legs Scared anger in his blank eyes I hope we soon will realize The future's long goodbyes Blessings number 18 in-between Standing as tears fall from a clouded mind Trying to count my blessings Hoping someone will remind me Remind me that faith Is not counting blessings in-between The depressing But holding onto hope Even During life in quarantine. Momma, you seem so small A ghost lying in your bed Wanting to go home I don't want to leave anything left unsaid Mom, your smile lifts & carries me back I remember laughing In the study watching tv Safe & believing With never a hint of leaving Mother, you are stronger than anyone knew A resilience ingrained even after everything you went through Maybe you are still here to teach me one more lesson That every minute of every hour is a godsend Momma is dad here? In this room, is he near? Maybe to begin to lead the way To a promise secured Reaching your house on a hill Surrounded by flowers & a Japanese maple And all I am able All I can do is sit by your side and love you more As we all sat and laughed Remembering the good times Imperfections & all Thanking god & you For the years big and small Later, I crawl into bed Weary, overburdened & fatigued Though I am intrigued At the miracles Of reconnecting family Of an extra year Saying out loud Thank you, thank you Thank you